The Grandma Syndrome

Lying face down in bed

I’m not sure at what point of my life my excitement levels peaked at the idea of a brand new set of knives and plummeted at the thought of downing tequila shots next to my party-heavy gal pals. Perhaps, it was the weekly aftermath that killed my party vibes – the twenty-four-hour pity fest and failed attempts to soothe my tired liver that forced me into semi-retirement. 

The ugly fear of missing out can sometimes ignite a small desire to retreat back to party central. Fortunately, it’s relatively easy to quash this fear with the simple reminder of the deadly aftermath that follows. While others may negatively attribute this new lifestyle to the Grandma Syndrome, I for one have zero qualms about this condition.

For a more accurate diagnosis of the Grandma Syndrome, see below for common symptoms:

10pm is past your bedtime

Sleep is the equivalent of oxygen. Without a sufficient amount of zzz’s (9 hours minimum), you’re likely to show signs of agitation and child-like behaviours. This may include but is not limited to crankiness, inability to focus and excessive nap time cravings.

Watching reruns of your favourite series trumps sweaty dance floor action

You would rather perch yourself on the couch and recite word for word your favourite sitcom than participate in sweaty night club antics which will more than likely be broadcasted across multiple Snapchat stories. You’re more than happy to retire from your recurring role as the wild child and allow other contenders to assume your title.

You believe alcohol is poison

What was once the event drawcard is now the poison that will interrupt your important Sunday plans. Ain’t nobody got time for a hangover, what with all the market shopping and weekly lunch preparation you need to do.

Cold intolerance

As soon as the Winter chill hits, the thermals come out to play. Gone are the days of parading a jacket-less outfit in the CBD during the peak of Winter. Without a pool of alcoholic beverages in your belly to provide internal heating, physical layering is essential.

Cake face is optional

You are able to step outside, better yet, strut the streets of Melbourne without engaging in a little MAC product placement.

Allergic to body-hugging attire

The days of concealing your food baby in a sexy body-con number as you assume the awkward lean position are now a thing of the past. Thank God. You choose jumpers, cardigans and hippie pants over body-hugging attire any day of the week.

Food is the event drawcard

In the past, an open bar would have you cartwheeling across an oval. Your excitement levels now peak at the thought of free delicious treats. You will shamelessly make a beeline for the canapés upon arriving at any given event. Greetings and small talk can wait.

Recovery time is despicably longer

Once in a blue moon, you will return to old habits and find yourself curled up next to the toilet, inadvertently praying to the Gods to relieve you from this self-inflicted torture. However, you begin to notice that this period of anguish and self-pity stretches into days now.

If you are identifying with any of the symptoms above, embrace it. Take it as a blessing in disguise and a universal sign of maturity. We both know that your weekly tequila fund can be put to better use – preferably towards things that do not spark a nasty episode of nausea and regret. Now, there’s an idea!

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